Time in mind strenuous

to a little light relief to not overload the mind capacity in rot. This while dealing with the necessary supporting evidence for the forms that need doing in due process. I was awaiting these. That which rucks up the past in itself ... A cousin has realms of my paperwork lurking in various family homes in the West. He moved himself back in the bosom of his family from living in the capital city. And put them there for safe keeping ... 

The ramifications filters out, only the inner core truly knows. They are the next line of support. His sister has opened up her home as an escape from reminders here and at Grandpas for my daughter to having some breathing space, before she finally had her own home this year. My own sister and her brother knew a bit more than most after the death that opened up my life style. They would obviously have never dreamt that for someone they knew otherwise ... 

I update periodically in small doses now to our cousin. The recovery self evident in my prolific creations elsewhere. And my sister now the only one who knows next to me currently. 

A daughter still knows what others do not. The next in the hierarchy of those who know that are living ...

And now the necessary paperwork is ready for when the next stage arrives... The wind down towards a time different ... with the very same family to reciprocate a tad for their relentless hurdles it brings in this time ... 

the airwaves

are blue and busy ... the influx all around of the pressure of getting things done before that C word. The adverts everywhere promising such great things .. the scams of selling ... The post increases not with just the personal festive greetings... unusually some post my for deceased hubby has slipped through... someone sold on an old list? The bank and other death paperwork dealt with all that. 

The diverse way I have experienced this time now ... It will be the first time since our daughter was born we will not be spending the Christmas together in the days usual. We will however be spending them together in the earlier part. All these plans up and down the country. Will your Mum be around for the PANTO? What dates is your Mum up? I'm planning a christmas meal for when she and my daughter are here ... 

You are invited to our Diamond wedding anniversary celebration and can stay with family overnight ....  a first in my birth county ... since the rough times ...

It seems my social and volunteer diary is busy everywhere ... Once again my wings are spreading ... across the counties ... 

Another yet rollercoaster in

where the emotions have travelled today ... I woke up in the dead of night quite angry ... then I realised it was the day I was to have a mid week special to remember how I came to be this way ... 

A day of forms, Emails,  phone calls unusual for me. The plans for a December different again ... and a good meal followed by the photos I recently pulled together. Those that my late hubby did not get to see, nor had I until this week  ... 

I will be taking my little gadget to cast these photos my daughter usually likes a good flick through on my device whilst respecting my privacy ... now I can cast only the ones of interest to others ... 

Another part of life replace in evolving to the minimum of fuss and bother 

The missing paragraph

from thy head about the super moon time. The next this size in 2034. Another not so big I think on December14th! The interest in attempt at many subjects we used to talk much about. I miss my highly interesting intelligent husband. My daughter noted with much pride to her partner who never met him ... that he was on par to a walking encloypedia. 

I did not have to touch type. I knew the weather, the news, robust discussions in taboo subjects and who was what in the sport world. The scores in life, who was playing and at what sport etc by season ... in a surround of a once outgoing bubbly persona. One who hosted in many a DJ capacity at discos and dos. And known over the airwaves in the way different with his call sign, in his youth that would be deemed old fashioned by some now ... 

... I really really miss that ... 

Triggers

churn ... tell it like it is... a sister knows I bubble away ... I talk or not...

The heaps of medical and meetings notes. I do not wish to cart them round. No one really is bothered ... it falls silent in silly remarks ... The pretence of knowing what it is like ... 

Thankfully I have turned it into an advantage, though I don't why some do what they do. The lack of help in commitment of times when the shit of life dumps right on top of you. And the wrong people in the wrong place at a ridiculous time. 

And whether it is fortuitous, fate or destiny how two new young souls have come together in shared but differences of when life sucks ... and get it turned around... With sheer grit! 

My attempt in stepping out the spiral of shit brings shit ... And success breeds success ... and more power in them power in money and fame that brings the glut of freebies to get photos for free advertisement of the product. 

Thy Ardous

pieces in time of change in chance. The picture of a resume and application with the required ID. All falling into place. The task alone ...

.... unfortunately nothing from an agency who didn't get that I needed to replace the destroyed or lost certificates ID etc to have a life beyond the walls ...

.... in those very early dark dank days when I grasped to life ... 

I cannot quite believe I have a folder filled with career related things for a few hours voluntary tasks in stepping out back in the right directional time in life ... out of such 'ism and not recognised mental health isolation! 

My deaceased hubby would

naturally detest for me to experience what I am getting though ... 

and more than ever it is nothing to do within the main of a living death... where you think such thoughts in that could it be an instant ... that release ... 

... we can seem to sometimes have a painful release ... 

You get morphine in release to a dignified death ... in palliative care ... 

The quiet in the euthanasia that some seek ... you get in the end of and after much suffering in painful days that no one actually says in the profession ...

With so much human suffering in all strands I have seen on such a level personally and as a colleague or acquaintance ...   

If you do it yourself it is deemed mortifying ... 

This invisible entity that penetrates your being. 

It hits you any time ...  

I am nearly sixteen seasons at Xmas 2016 since I struggled to live myself ... 

And continue to do so ...

In such a private space in thy mind

The assumptions that I am in a good place ...

.. That far away feeling ..

.. though I have still have and in prompt responses to menus requests and refuse/recycle bags being delivered when mine get pinched. The asks to be my referees. A forthcoming invitation to an interview for more skills and confidence time in build of a better attitude adapting.. This will be another surreal process in adjusting to civilisation that I quest in lot ... with how the madness out there is worse than ever !

Another process of much interest in the spirals of rot into life again ... 

While I adjust the home in difference, in this alter of bad into good happening with that one day out of the home, that always alludes and disintegrates not of my doing ... 

The switch off

in the room of toil and troubles currently... Tis captivating the mind elsewhere,  in this time. The end product will be the continuing luminous environment for better times here ... And eventually in hopes for there ... 

The swirls in is it working ... or going around in the cycle of ... the let go is the easier part. The swamp in overload out. 

The minuscule tasks in the tips many have given will eventually see the space appear. 

...The Secretive ..

life of hoarders ... 

I have chuckled as much as I have been exasperated with that lifestyle . The personal times living with one. The stuff hurled out of the car... The windows and doors. The fluttering of newspapers particularly across the pathway and garden. Other private moments so hysterical at times in all strands of that word ... that I might one day relay more of the secretive habits ... and how it impacted on life for others 

My daughter relayed this to a paternal family member etc as we cleared through the other home. I would be at a point and do this method to motivate into action.. 

It was probably not the best idea ... 

And that particular season of death gutted me, a trigger recently again stopped me bluntly in my tracks. This happens in sifting through the last in remnants of the mound in mess, that is very very slowly coming to its conclusion ....

A self pick me up

after a down spiral ...

a bit of alter in routine rest and food ... does not always hit the mark ... This is not entirely understood. Especially this far down from the traumatic crisis. Thankfully I have a contact in regular with an agency and a doctor I can go to ... 

For as much that

is supposedly brooded mulled over ... one does not always know my playful post trauma mode when it kicks in more times than others

That is not there in the pith of the inexplicable unexplained though ... 

Assistance beyond ...

the spring plans ... for removal of life to the North, for the items that matter. 

The A-Z accommodation in type plans and back up further along. 

The different phases along from now. 

It keeps it in check 

The conflicting moments from one to the next. The decisions made and to be kept. The preventable going around in circles. The repetition. The smell and triggers disturbed. And this time of day is not time to do. It is for rest. The throwback to that time. I detest the reminders. 

The wonder and the ...

where the mind will take me ... This a week of the monthly bi weekly budgets. The skim over to make sure everything is tickling along. Then back to it in the tidy up of all strands and areas in life and death ,.. 

The load in

codswallop no doubt. The supposed keep my number scenario again this week. The find among a better deal in the array of offers out there currently. We shall see. The minimal work in others to queries ... the silence eternally within of out look in out and where all abouts?  And what is everyone on these days !!!

Difficult Days Still to come ...

A very bumpy day particularly in the last

I took extra time out to cope. The slow start back in today. The pace in the settle. I hate the pacing and not settling. That is the time you can make a bad snap decision. It happens even when you are in celebration mode. 

It is a feeling I am not able to speak into words. Or utter at times.  

It is now with me, and I adept in adapt to those feelings in tow of life on me own. 

Adapting in the angst

... another dark start to the day ... the transition of BST to GMT nearer than ever, a excited daughter talking away via. the communications system ... pleased with the savings on the car insurance now two can drive the car. The offer on the table for me to drive it too on the next visit! I am still not ready to be behind the wheel yet! 

I am in for the settle of the young ones natural excitement. To others it is a normal environment for such emotions. For us the elation of belated times. The tinge of bittersweetness that the men in our lives not here to see the graduation, new home and now both driving The careers and proposed studies and the natural evolution of time moving on. 

Thy head in a whirl

nothing different in that ... The minuet of revitalised continues ... yes the death wish comes in its tsunami  .... It is shocking that so many of us who do ask for assistance ....!!!! ....  I will not go there ... 

The fact that so many do suffer and unfortunately once you take a split second that is it ... 

Today is merriment in one small stride in the many health requisite... I have treated myself for Steps taken recently again ... 

Revitalised

from tasks achieved a tad in recent ... from experience in old, new, before and different ... the bittersweet in this clumsy path of in the find of yuk and love. 

In mood extreme

while in mission mode ... a life in change ... And what that entails.  The silt and sentiment that settled in this impeded home and now working in murky waters stirring it all up in removal ... 

Clothes to rags to

a semblance in array of a style back through 

I had clothes purchased for me from all quarters post crisis ... when I was not interested in life at first ... 

this and the sleeping arrangements ... still not talked about in much to this day 

The attempt again to work through the seasonal change and periodic clear outs, when all about me is in a chaos ... 

A season change is here again !!! 

My style is certainly not what it was ... it goes beyond the natural progression through the decades and eras ... 

The loss of an entire wardrobe in circumstances beyond comprehension, 

The mould that hangs from then too on everything, even after the times it was massed cleared and cleaned. And spells since where one has access and gumption. 

Once the grasp of those tiny spores float in and it grabbed hold of in of that beautiful home I had made. The hard in the remove ... 

The lack of circulation destroyed the home beyond recognition 

It still hangs in the air ... to this day for how can you do decor in its entirety ... 

when so much came along in one swoop of the foundations of life turning it upside down and inside out ... 

I am only just starting to feel less numb 

than I have for a very, very, long while ...

eek in the reek ...

... to bleak in the winter that year to a 

... warm balmy late summer evening walk once again albeit in the singular now 

 ... after more ills than ever imaginable from death in chills ... 

The cycle in the night

no view in the void ... the rituals of patterns to break ... the acceptance that part of me ripped to shreds forever now ... until we are reunited ... although connections however brief have seen the light too ... the freedom in letting go ... 

Quite a mixed time in life ... an artist, a doctor and a  psychotic... 

Wherever I am ...

case in point 

The most enchanting summer in many moons ...

... not without the witness of fluctuating emotions in a summer long time with others 

A real raw flare up of the legacy of skin eruptions since one Autumn in time after a spring of empty much ..

And another flare up of what I had in Kernow earlier this year ... 

The byproduct of neglect ... I sometimes wonder if I miss the point into life ... 

Much is made of I how I was as a youngster  ... When we were no longer forgotten ... 

The death put in the picture 

It is strange reading the facts portrayed about myself ... 

The acid tongues I had my way ... I had forgotten how love was and banter in conversations at first ... 

Thy week in hand

where we stand united across eternal...

This week pointing those in the direction of facts and case in point ....

These are the days

... the shadows over time ... the drift and drag to get things in place ... hubby is eternally gone in body now ... thus the understanding for those of us ... to move through the times without constantly replaying out to others who do not hear; or only half hear ... 

Cliches bitterness amid life in rife ...

In a trip to the cinema 

... A film of the rich, filled with enrichment of love with hidden messages and themes ... A film like so many impact on times now ... The plots I too, have for telling a story ... still not yet unlocked into time in words ... The stutter in mind to thoughts to words like today ... A tad disjointed ... A film at the cinema ... Planning and doing a trip on my tod  ... Yesterday the choice of film so absorbing .... And able to share the thoughts with a daughter who is more than understanding on the romance in death too ...

Others waste ... 

For now I do what I do, with just what I have to use and thinks of in life at the minute ... In those introductions into a new world of tech; from a sibling who is a bit of a tech queen ... in having the latest ... While like our Dad I make use of others waste ... 

Eco ways 

Those in Cornwall who are going eco with life; down to the disposal of human waste and using all that and more in going back to nature .... I have had yet another very absorbing time back in the country and county of Kernow, in time with a sister recuperating, and getting ready for a series of ops, on joints shot to pieces. 

So too on arriving back home, near the city and the country here. My next destination or few in recuperating in more environmentally, better absorbing times to find more volunteer and vocation ideas to suit my current complex, shattered needs in pain and loss adjustments, in the new words I mumble to thyself ... as I go about this task in hand ... 

The muddle in everything from thoughts to action in some semblance of life lone and now the head of one strand of the branches of the family .... 

Just drifting off

after the day in resurrection of activities in sight ... the nights still a wobbly with worry...  How the well in the good, stunning and beauty witnessed  this day past, in those displays of flowers in a local park ... 

Repetitively...

And that is not me on this occasion... this to fathom out in the interim... the mountain of paper to work through and catch up somehow 

The sleep in dreams

in the restlessness stage ... living out the thoughts in a jumble mess ... 

The bad mood

is hovering in the background now ... The task of quelling the dwell leaving a head a bit afar. The ease back into a life familiar strange, the attempt that a sister notices an immense change, so too my Mum though astute to my fragility still ... 

In the mode of

the aspect of life gone

This when if the inevitable happens ... I would have welcomed it 

These the moments that still pop up

Especially when you know the agony and strength to tell some one 

... And they do not respond ... 

You stay silent 

This the understanding of those in those moments hovering between reality and surreality ... those precious moments unless you have been there ... Is totally misunderstood 

As to why what wherefore 

There is even protocol and triage and overlooking in this too busy a life around 

the fragility ...

in time ... the attempt to disperse the burden of unnecessary ... virtually lost in space ... the strangers surround  

A time in environments

today

many and in all weathers, drizzle, sun. The hopes in the next phase of our life in our respective counties to be fortuitous for a change ...

the air in my lungs a reprieve ... and going back in a different way again ... 

The lanes may be narrow, the views were wondrous.

the fun in a time out on capturing moments in time. The hopes for the time to come. The wonder in again the achievements and feats, when at times I would rather curl up.

One Second Wonders

it is never an exact science ... Only when life is snuffed it is harder to focus on approach... time not in focus and out of sync ... 

I am currently sitting in a Cornish garden with life of noise and quiet around. It is surreal to be doing normal life in context of a juncture in time of a recovery programme. The concept of life in strange. The usual with unusual. 

The familiar in unfamiliar. The chunks of seasons missing with tech and robotic in the world out. My childlike wonder and giggles, regardless of whose is in the vicinity... at all that is light dark and new to me again to this day ... 

a day in reprieve

in a Kernow town ...

... yesterday enjoying Mum's garden. and sifting through time in task. The inspiration of the day before along lanes and coves, in all that I had only seen through our daughters eyes, in that encumbered time. 

... now I can once again see it all with my own senses, while I can ...

The struggle in fit

Only is it with encouraging words and music am I doing this. The times to curl up and let it take me  in the things never uttered to this day. Much said ... Much more unsaid 

The bind in time

at least I pulled myself in and took the plunge to travel to get this reprieve on my lungs ... The increase in movement and a mixture of activities is the most difficult ... All I would like to do is cutl up and hibernate in time... These conflicts with other thoughts of doing the energetic things my age still can do ... Even if it may just be line dancing or bowling ... to ease myself back in 

I have played some games I am used to. I have walked, rambled and been in the wilderness at times...maybe I will get to canoe one day  ... but first to fit back in sports and swim wear 

A lot happening in conjunction

and in tandem ...

... such is life ... I find it more than words can express at times ...Whilst life is getting into a structure...  The confidence and worries are another thing . Majority of people say it won't happen ...Unfortunately it does to some of us ... It did for me ...in the ultimate ...a death 

My worries are founded. 

Slow in time

and working through constructively 

I strive in my capacity to ignore the irritants to achieve for myself ... We journey in life alone ... So be it this particular one will end too ... whereabouts is yet to discover 

It Stinks

the slow process of reactive not proactive ... 

Buckets used to catch

the water ... in the waiting room ... at the local mental health office ... 

and our superstore leaks badly in our now monsoon rains ...

Today was market day for my tedious errands out ... the pharmacy not in coordination this day ... Hurray for our health system ... boo to the organisation and continuity which is only as good as the person with the knowledge to access computers ... 

The repetitive and patronising questions ... At least I had a lovely pharmacist and colleagues in a day of detestation... of post hubby death ...

Unfortunately no matter how much time and accepting passes the horror never dies ... 

Online now

Off line ... Elsewhere 

A  riotous moany and funny convo with sister would show our varying mood with a scatter of ashes a journey and a op ... and much more ... forthcoming ... 

Finding thyself

in such a time ... switching the mind into regular routines ... I go astray too often in this muddle a mess 

In the first of

these months this year,
I have clambered about
nearly knocked myself out
had many a doubt in doubts,
in what way to plan through,
After another busmans too,
more logistical tactics,
to work through these antics,
For a life in flourish from
drought time through the cactus
of times, left so high and dry.

The Invisible Ties ...

... I left the kitchen mid way mess to go out ...

from the days that are thankfully gone was very problematic ... I still feel I am not at peace while get it back on track ..

I had hoped this would ease a bit by now ... 

How Does It Make You

Feel

moments again today 

ruthlessness in breaking weird habits to othersm

Cynicism...

is more engrooved in my integrity ... that was ... where I used to have respect ... there is more a  element and from that perspective...much more doubt ... 

A pinch of salt ..

mixed spices and a lot of 

that Chilli room ...

chilli 

...all the recent reading on this type of care in the community and society ... 

A long way since bedlam 

.. And those very early times 

of my late husband 

to the still archaic environment in which were to experience death in this the 

21st Century in the UK 

a lot of chilli ...

The snow of frost froze over thee ...

the swinging of balls,

across and over

up and under 

high and low,

a slow flow,

a faster ebb,

never holding

always passing

hardly yielding

mostly shielding ... 

The switching off

the many modes to concentrate on task in hand ... The task of getting lost in time in thought. At least a little more settled now than in the week ... but still very much anxious about leaving enough time for the too many tasks here ... to go and do life in the now ... 

The tackling of a muddle, so overwhelming, it is more than a boggle ... The decision on getting someone in to get through three areas I find difficult ... 

My daughter trying to assist me in approaching this task ... The only person who has an inkling of the inner workings ... 

The Ardous Art of Altering ...

A life that became of another ...

In Hindsight

• Letters and paperwork not disposed of 
• Cars ...even though I sold mine ... This was never a incentive for his cars ... 
• Newspapers
• Freebies 
• Soft toys 
• Lotto into excess ... for a lot who are addictive was the worse news for me at end days  
• Kitchen paper notes
• Wallets bursting with unnecessary receipts 
• Carrier bags with cigarette packets written on and post and paraphernalia 
• Bulging trouser pockets of the bits of societies paper rubbishy yucky items 
• Bulging coat pockets ...
• In fact bags and pockets were a bane 
• Briefcase not cleared out 
• Carrier bags 
• Multiples of repeats in stationery ie freebie pens ... An irritant ... 

Previous Generation ...

• Newspapers 
• Part works weekly collections ... The intro offers on magazines 
• Multiples of items i.e. Birth certificate and replacements ... and the generation before that (this was found from collecting together from the other stuffed home) 
• Freebies
• Perfume 
• Typewriters 
• Clothes to excess ... 
• Whole cupboards of floor to ceiling spilling out  into the home of packets of tea .. Jars and catering size coffee.... Jars of Gravy granules...other food stuffs  ... PVc bags and aprons ... scissors ... brown sack bags ... carpet tiles ... soft toys ... Collection items memorabilia of pictures .... Toy Cars ... Beverage canisters ... Teaspoons ... Knives ... Tea towels ... Blankets ... Tee shirts ... All en masse ... 
• Stationery items in extreme in reams literally ....
• Unnecessary step ladders 
• Plant pots to extreme 

This is a touch of life with OCH ... Combine it with other life stresses ... and while the daily rituals at first of all basic functions are performed ... The slow decline in physical health from failed mental Heath care and misunderstanding of the set of phobias known by every professional (we know we heard our kin say on opening sentence ) ... then the series of downward events from then into being hounded because other failed medical understandings as lacking in response to complex needs  ... Into the fateful timeline along with the forgotten family ... 

I was squeezed out of my home under the eyes of those that came and put themselves first, at the same time the dying was well under way by then .... With my too declining skin health and lack of air sunlight social interaction was non existent etc etc etc 

Switching off

this is a timeless task totally ticking me off ... The mind in overdrive ... it feels it could burst ... I am stubborn. I will keep at it until I am satisfied. The adaptions in life are annoying. It could be done for a fellow human being. I am not bothered with the stuff. I am though annoyed with it more, it is hindering. It is a one man task in the shift, until the point I will get in reinforcements. I will be doing the next stage in due time of getting all that is necessary to do this bit ... With the suggestions of the wider family in my state of mind well being ... And what I have planned in getting the shifts of protocol moving for the way I was left with a fatal environment... 

Facing what actually will

Finally be missing 

when I have cleared all recesses of husband and strangers alike have put the disorder ....

from a time do not wish to revisit ...

but in my 'mares I do 

In my mind I see

those times I flee
the body here it stays
with those it plays
going through the motions
when the mind is flooded
in nigh solutions
Invisible in thy  notion

The rest ...

in restlessness 

is hard to comprehend... this is the trails of tragedy ... time shifts .. these special times that is in my personal timeline .. recoiling in the fact ... where did he go ...?   The unsaid in embodiment... 

You can put me in the middle of a whistling tornado; as in my many disturbed dreams ... the end result all around is in ruin and tatters ... 

The time and energy needed to rebuild ...,

Then water comes in and I have had many a paddle within the home ... The start again diverted and again with life events we all get .... The deaths, the injuries that put you aside from what is needed here and at my late mum in laws home ... 

And finally the start again and yet aside to other life again for a month, just this April, to get things sorted elsewhere again ... 

Then time away to be ... by the bedside of a sister for an op... life now ... 

I cannot still be in a invisible prison as encumbered in that time ...

Yet all this time is the adjustment... Only just acknowledged ...

And in the recent flourish of striking out the past .... 

what was I thinking ... ? 

The understanding of time passed

in time passed

The task for me not to be bogged down

I am taking time down to enjoy the events in all spectrums of happiness soon to be ...

This reminds me I am actually alive ...

And not some ghost of a Sally misting through the haze of mess still here

Wind it in

the grr mode today 

pfft moments too

how many times for one item ... here, there and everywhere and no one turns up that supposed to and then the opposite to that ... no wonder I act like my shoe size ... 

The inaccessible to some services 

Alarm bells did not ... Get listened

in our abode 

They were in thunderclap mode 

some improvements since 

On initial contact on arrival at the home environment 

In flagging up vulnerabilities on and coordination ...still a lot to do 

Especially of kin who are not triage on so much and left floating for nigh on four years .. 

Until finally a diagnosis 

In the meantime ... Still not taken seriously when your clumsy attempts at a reach

and misconstrued 

One uses it to one advantage 

The system not working 

You sink without notice into the slurry

Those who are too clever for their therapy 

Assumptions 

Chaos in the chaos ...

a weekend in the midst of a cloud of rubble of life and death 

Just as we sat eating fish and chips in the middle of a flood ... What is it like in the world of  clutter 

By weekends of a clutter riddance

one is bruised, battered and shattered ... within all aspects of the self ... 

This is the legacy of not continuing the care package set in place for the deceased spouse 

He may have died ... but his legacy about that squeezed me out of my home 

did not 

This year ... Light and Shade

... from within my heart and home too following on 

A long way to go ... for tonight at least looking at what I achieved this year ... looking forward not in the past ....  

The decisive from indecisive ... and those who doubt ... It is not a pipe dream 

It will happen I will bike and hike ... Swim and row ... and I will do eventually what I have in mind in wherever I eventually reside beyond the immediate and imminent ...

A Task in Tired ...

... Not understood ...

Talking is tiring 

No one listening ... More so ...

Task in time 

Shattering 

I hope to wind the week down after tomorrow and back on track 

for a  tidyish home for the weekend ... 

I hope to feel a tad more relaxed and settled 

All this stirs up what I naturally rather it did not ... 

... space in a Sally wonderland ...

... I resisted the urge of making more mess in getting to attempt reorganisation in this storage home ...

... For every time I am stuck ... there is not enough time and space to get it achieved in each day  ... 

... It .. I can only hope in my lifetime be restored in time to enjoy .. 

... All the while remebering life in the now ... 

... I only have to see the re-immersing in life I have achieved ... on coming back to life ... 

... The feeling of air on my skin... the breeze whipping up the storm that we nearly took off ...  at the top of Brea hill with a view in the surround of a favourite area in North Cornwall ... 

.. Overlooking the ocean and a church well known for a famous poet laureate who was laid to rest nestled in the sand dunes ... 

A variety in a weak ...

... a Four day inside for a bank holiday ... after time with daughter .. after a funeral ... before the storm  ... 

We started on a ruthless clear of habits and time in layers from a death within  ... 

She went on down to stay in Bristol. Spending time with a family of five, plus our Canadian cousins who are over to see Grandad who now resides here after living in various countries over the years ... One of the other younger cousins back from her travels and working in New Zealand ..

In admist the clearing, the binning and the charity shops ... The daily rituals and living ... No time for a social life yet ... 

I did take time out for a bus ride to the next parish and walked back through lanes and the park ... I stopped for some time in both Hextable and Swanley Park, while in the park I had a sandwich and an ice cream ... 

I think I did a blog ... And observed and took the requisite photos of what I had not seen while stuck inside ... The vibrancy of the new greens in Spring ... And the sky ... The vitality in the blues and whites ... 

Living the so called theories ...

... a few people I know and of were too clever for their therapy people ... 

The reaching out, the withdrawal, the cumbersome gestures, the patronising, the loss of thought and again as I am writing this ... 

The dissing ... the pattern and illogical behaviour which seems very logical when living it ... 

How to avoid going out ... where you require to put the refuse out ... the thought of others in to maintain things ... Not dealing with the environment in the first instance ... Keeping on top of life ... Food and wash and laundry requirements 

This brutally honest time so failed by that front line and continued care 

This the end result of a life within a fellow hoarder environment... The arguments about petty things to others ... For me the perpetual battle with for one of many things ... Newspapers ... 

It is so much more complex than minds at the time were able to robustly deal with .... 

It was a daily ritual of hubby not seeing the environment within but still putting out the refuse and recycle out ... 

That little world, away from the world, within a world 

Is Anybody There?

Is anybody there? 

A dilemma faced one Autumn into Winter

The time I faced death at its ugliest ...

Functioning order ...

and the aims for the Month of May ...

To scatter the ashes on the rose bed in time together again ... I will also need to have the lounge in working order ... a goal agreed with family ... 

It is also the gift of a would be 25th wedding anniversary different ... to a future now of life most ... not life past and gone in and under dust ... 

All this will make for a re-function of a room well loved ... And used accordingly for a better environment which equals a better mind ... 

Music in thought

Not everyone's  cup of tea ... 

It has more recently in this year floated out of the dust into a modern version.. It is vibrating through the home ... in the diversity of our love of music song and harmonies in all strands and styles once again ... 

Time in Deed ... No longer ... Can I have a cup of sugar ?

... The flat buzzer went for the wrong number ... 

It was grounds maintenance to clear a trampoline which was not mine ... Later coming back and knocking the door ... My good deed for this day ... in lending a knife in this task ... 

The last time was in assisting a neighbour who was to borrow a pair of scissors from across the way for their child's birthday ... 

It has been everything but ... In our and now my time here ...

And this for a home in a muddle ... 

Time in Time Out

Trying to take this time out met with a lot of struggles to test my patience 

A waterfall from above ... a trip to the doctors with a recurring unwellness and a suddenness in a dying loved one really tested the strength within 

Coming back home to such overwhelming times again ... Getting through the moods of withdrawal from life the quiet within me to keeping on track with the good works all were there in this time since I last posted ... 

As I was leaving for time away ... 

This is this life ... Ongoing in its onslaught of muddle in muddle and muddle ... In clearing life so neglected it led to a death for few ... 

Another test this evening with a gentle waterfall downs the walls ...

And a shower from the light fitting

This water coming down from the flat above into mine. All checked and made safe. The water collecting in the natural pockets and channels of the electrics ... No light fitting in the bathroom for now and some electrics made safe in the kitchen 

This happened this evening with winding down for time with family ... 

Fortunately the plumber I knew and the electrician was outstanding. This eased my tricky situation of feelings as one knew ... my situation and how it is here .. And for the other it soon became apparent how this home is ... 

All makes for a smoother life during this transitional ... It has unsettled an already unsettled me ... Preparing to travel further than my town ... 

In with love ... Out with stress ... Words of past wisdom of  those who supported past ... 

Disturbing Dreams ,,,

that from the result of memories disturbed on Friday ,,, and exacerbated by forthcoming change of structure ... 

There is still much to adjust to in all strands of life  ... 

Repetition and Circles ...

at least some semblance of a bag to take with one now on the next rehabilitation of the outside ... it is more fined tuned than ever in recent times ... only my clothes have thrown me with dropping a dress size again and what that entails in certain styles ... 

That is good; only I have gone round in circles a bit ... 

And my moods too and the paperwork ... 

Mistakenly ...

mixed up and inside out when tense ... or those new ills that have bothered me ... I might try another alternative remedy ... 

A lot of the info I have received from a specialist nurse, my sister worked alongside, until her new position, was kindly given and passed on. I have worked ever so slowly through the mass of leaflets to see what eases the symptoms and what does not ... a lot has helped ... 

I had to get over the packet of media and words, that came in the post. It was one of those occasions; to put me through my paces. The need and ends to a means to help my health. 

I beg to differ ...

I have attempted to read up on this aspect of training in care ... my view and stand is certainly different ... 

I too might not adapt with the flooding of a home of a home of a client on entering to do therapy 

I too might think the client was withdrawing

Would I overwhelm them ... I do not know ... 

I would certainly understand a sea of human beings coming and going if they had not seen anybody ... not everybody crave to be with others ... especially with a lot happening in the life of the client and flash backs and processing all that was and now is ... the cold world without those who love you for you ... 

I am using words ... I am not fond of now...

A Classic Day in the Life

Of healing where no one can see ... 

There was a lot banter with strangers today both in shared knowing looks at things happening around us ... And the verbal humour to verbal chats about the physical ailments elsewhere as I passed through the shops and chemist today ....

All the while you are silent screaming inside ... It is not easy to share my particular set of woes .... Especially around these young children ... At the best of times ... 

And the home looks worse for wear, the lack of concentration and the countdown stuck on number 7 ... It can stay stuck ... At least the start of another trip to the charity donations ... 

And a bag and trolley further to a more conducive life .... 

I had one meal planned ... Got something else while out today and ended up with something entirely different ... Had to cope with nausea from the disturbed memories ... 

At least I have eaten a tad this evening .... I had a Lunch out that cost a £1 ... The privilege of empty junk food ... 

as I have done in my moments

Sitting in a busy environment sharing the looks of non verbal banter with the antics of a busy lunch hour... at the local supermarket cafe.  I am eating the junk food along with everybody else that is mainly on offer now it is refurbished ...that tickles me too 

Now knowing this store at this time of  day...not enough hand baskets to go around ...I bet...

Recipe of Memories

Memory lane with updated twists in recipes, with the access to online too ... still pleased to have a now old but well loved recipe collection. I have still I have not had a too look at it though ... With the overwhelming tasks in hand currently ...

Eve's Pud was one of the many very first dishes, although that was at the temporary accommodation in the days of blur too ... I have since done this here.

Slab Cake, Easter Biscuits some of the soon to be baked whether here, or if I happen to get the chance at home with Mum and Sister. I have baked banana loaf cake using bananas when they are too sweet, for me to eat. I have also baked carrot cake. Although without the frosting I so like with Passion cake ... 

And another recipe is sachertorte that was a favourite with us in London. The cuisine I was introduced in this city ... the Jewish food ... the restaurants ... American ... Dutch ... and continental cooking ... the cheeses ... the coffee ... bagels ... Shopping in my local supermarket then Harrods and their bakery ... the milk shake bar ... I feel another post of by gone shopping and culinary days ...

This is mental health healing ... the plus side of clutter needing the time and space to re-visit keep but let go of the past ...

Decisions on the Undecided ... Decided ...

A stitch in Time from a Bridesmaid Dress 

I kept some oven to tableware dishes. The perfect size for me now. I have a lid from the same selection of design ... but no dish ... It may or may not turn up from the time others finished the other home when Dad was dying ... 

More decisions yet to get through ... The special clothes from special times ... Collating photos from various homes and times ... stash busting the usual, the unusual and the bizarre ... the annoying to me from a time I rather not remember now, this far down in time. Only with an injury putting me out of action for a while it healed ... falling over too and all the numerous delays from floods and traumas that continued for a time. And the delegation of another home. The death of another close family member. I am finally getting my time to grieve... and clear such a muddled up, disjointed life to move on ...

Delectable Day to Difficult Day to Delectable Day ...

The Extra hours leap year brings was filled with all things best, being a special day to us. That was Monday. The night was a different matter. Yesterday was a struggler. Then yet another night as the night before.

So A Sensational Surprise Sally Stew was made from ingredients pulled together from what I had in. A spur of the moment make. As daughter knows these make the best times. It certainly hit the spot. I also used a special casserole dish from an undecided decision made yesterday, for the very first time. It was relinquished from a dark place, unused, until today. And for the first time since post crisis, the stew was made with the final touch ... Dumplings ...

New Life Plans Finally in some areas ...

coming to a conclusion ... and the next chapter begins ...

One of the delayed items put on hold, on arriving at seventeen years of age ... the usual learning to drive if so minded ... for our daughter ... 

One of her, our or my goals during our grief was not only picking up driving again from the start at this time ... and get to pass her driving tests ... and hopefully sooner than I did? It was decided, when I am ready, that she would sit in with me, when she is skilled enough herself,  to assist in regaining my confidence. I could then get back on track with my original goal of advanced driving, which I missed an opportunity, when hubby became ill ...

The sparkle in Life ...

I am on the outside apparently looking well to others ... It does help to have the sparkle a bit back in life, that makes it all worth it ... 

Visual impact all round in that case ... the fact a tiny bit of decor and what is around me is improving in what I actually like, is helping my well being ... And improving the simplicity around me too ... A life less complicated ...  in an increasingly frustrating world out of my inner sanctum 

Reversing the Trend ...

• The medical appointments ... on the agenda next is the Opticians ...
• My health 
• Skin/ infection ... apart from reappearing a tad at stressful moments
• Hair
• Weight
• Clothes 
• Shoes
• Washing
• Some household linens
• Freezer
• Newly acquired habits and obsessions
• Shopping habits
• Environments 
• Travelling 
• Routines
• Structures
• Social Skills
• Pattern of behaviour
• Paperwork
• Rooms to function as intended 

And of course the root cause for all of this ... the de-cluttering from a lost time ... from being lost in the care system ... etc etc etc 

Fears ...

we all have them ... however when they impact on a life leading to a death ... as it did with us. 

• The failure of a multi agency meeting in lack of communication continuity on as situation overwhelming for anyone not taken in the physical deterioration and pallor of hubby skin  ... 
• The continual lack of regard for continuity of care ... right into my care ... 
• I am the audience seeing and watching all the various performances around me .... it has been interesting, frustrating, and amusing at times 
• The impact and triggers ... the ripple effect ... 
• Not always fitting in society around me 
• The first in doing, tasting, seeing, experiencing post isolation ... is lost too ... 
• Post adjustments ... 
• And so much more ... 

The fears I now ...  are not understood entirely ...

The Most Difficult Challenge...

is moving on without bitterness ...

At least I am freshened up and dressed ... Keeping the all important fundamental structure of life to function ...  I have not eaten yet ... My body will kick in when it's ready ... You feel physically nauseous and I need to focus on the good things in life 

I did have a mid week roast in mind ... I have still not had it ... 

At least I feel less as though I have been in the boxing ring and a little more of myself as the day progresses ... A weekend of pampering my senses is on the cards ... I think .... 

In the early days

Of these nights ... I would have gone out up to our superstore ... Which is of an interesting time ... Walking along the aisles with pallets of stock dodging round each other ... It was a way of getting the shopping when there were less people and it was dark ... 

I now to travel again to this time thanks to the ripple effect of those who did not care 

The Mind Works overtime ...

No rest either when one is asleep ... 

The following is four atmospheres from one image 

An image of two love birds  

With balloons and hearts  

Love and joy once  

Above a forest of vibrant green 

With the black rook from the grave site 

Where one of those birds now resides 

The blood redness of the flowers against the black of a heart once lost in the blackness of time ... Now flowering in creativity in the picture as a whole .... snatches of time ... letting go and coming back to reside in a world where I look OK to all those that now pass through my life ... inside is a completely different story 

Much has been said about the state of mind ...

especially over time and the way I too have changed. It has been of a slow decline that hindsight brings. It creeps up on you while we are busy with our moments that happen as they do now. 

My suppressed creativity, conflicts and contradictions too. My husband's decline to un-diagnosed events and most importantly the mental capacity.

Then what happened in a series of terrible events, when the suddenness of a care staff member leaving on a timetable, not thought out and co-ordinated and communicated through all channels involved after a very important multi-agency on the way forward, that was not followed through, let alone taken seriously. All too busy with the time of year it was too ...  eager to get on with the holidays ... and training ... 

No thought given to our fast declining situation, that had obviously supposedly been discussed at said meeting ... for indeed for such a meeting to take place, in the first instance ...