This 'ere post

the true nature of a day after getting out to a mall enclosed. A day in achieving irritating tasks many and bitty. I have not bathed. My hair is now greasy. And I slopped my dinner dripping it all down me. A homemade dish rustled up from seasonal food ... 

I will be going to bed in these stained clothes in an unmade bed and hope to finally wash the bedding tomorrow? I have changed the bedding recently but can't remember when ...the days of a regular cleaning schedule still gets lost in the rustle to freshen life generally ... 

This is the truest picture of my life a day after getting to have lunch in a different environment spending the money normally set aside for the men in my life once. The Father's Day... and a birthday ... 

I had lunch out ... they would have all appreciated that !!! 

Deletion of a hoard

in complexities which actually can be acknowledged by not always those with the power to assist in the harshest of circumstances 

... words are hollow ... 

actions and body language in understanding are the most appreciated beyond the recognition of fundamental basics... 

Floodgates

every time some report or comment made on the NHS system at breaking point ... the hypocrisy the rules and regs for company's not for those who make sure we are cared for in our time of need ... 

the time when one on a bike was in attendance to myself followed by two in the ambulance one Autumn 

And one festive time when the service made the fatal mistake for not attending a dying relative ... 

The robust call systems and sync of multi agency meetings and much more all pointed out in time to the MP over this time ... not just the people and system at the time with all the stupid rebuff comments one had to endure 

Beyond the cold sales

today ... from the cats protection charity on the street under the marquee. The persuasive techniques to get the medical appointment required today ... And then the chemist with the prescription to be done electronically by someone seen before, but too many people pass to remember ... 

A prescription not always done electronically if you have non repetitive ones ... The irritants to everybody ...  The connotational implications usually quiet within ... today the tone in voice exasperated to the verge of frustratingly blow out ... 

The whimper of a bug leaving a bit of mischief needing stronger medical interventions...

... the lower than low mood of much in recent weeks ... A funeral ... The anniversary approaching of the first year since a mum in law died ... And dealing with the pigheaded machine of grunts ... quick to judge ... Slow to see 

The explosion in mood

upon entering an abnormal home to me ... after a few days to acclimate back ... the two areas I have my eye on 

A drawer not touched since hubby and kid were both around ... the clear back to the foundations of a home to where time stood in dust ...

And the top airing cupboard ... but first finish what I started before I settled back in ... 

Dips in other places

astute in sense where darkness still keeps one cloaked. The emotions yesterday tipped in the surreal world quivering on the border of tears. The envelope of utterless emotion. It does not help being in physical discomfort currently. 

It does not help that most things end up on the floor. The tomorrow in hope after a rest not yet come to tidy up instead. 

The settle in some respite time which always brings new challenges. The panic of where things are to keep comfortable in spirit! 

Captains log ...

star date ... ground aero ... the countdown to the breakaway ...

Yep ... well organised sorts would say ... the meds got, the bills paid, the shopping in for the travels.,  the meals accounted for ...

The next trip out is the collection of the travel tickets to be printed off, that have been booked a while. I never get them till nearer the date of travel ...easier to change the date if so be  ... The packed lunch. The change to spend 30 or 50 pennies for a pee! The good dates for items in the fridge. The intention of the return food, if I am tired to collect supplies on day back of travels ... 

Now any decluttering if minded. A lot of rest. An appointment to fulfil,  and then on me way to pastures different a while ... 

Love in

a February via pure venom. 

However, back to the preparatory time in all aspects of functions to live. The bend in one and stretch in another cupboard to see where the total is at to top up the gas and electric... 

And the decision on a pot roast today or tomorrow... I think to happen two different timelines in my anxious mode. The heat from the woes depends on the strength in the time rested. 

I know a few good hours to rest up, this evening .... is much required ...  I am glad I have packed the majority already,  for these times in a different schedule. I am way ahead of myself to allow the stress I have indeed had from the revisits of old wounds ... 

Agitation ...

to be put aside today ... Valentines Day ... a day in a February back,  a birth date due, came and went and still no baby born. Our daughter deciding the end of February would be better. It was not a leap year, that year. 

A day I am still wading through a overloaded past left. Be that it may ... I have been looking a head for a change. The due process enormously slow for a few months in donate of free time. A time that will unsettle much. The misunderstanding of my invisible disability....

A time I was expected after it was written on a form. I had no one in the area, not even a designated continuity of a CC ... to attend an appointment in a neighbouring county, that took most of the day travelling. 

Only housebound in physical get one at home ... here we go again .... my late husband was continually failed in this area. If doctors and many others put side much, actually visited as matter of course on home visits, a very long time ago he would not be dead! 

However a sister and a kindly person, although no one in the office to ask, took note of all my needs and I hope although not guaranteed a more convenient appointment at home or in a more known town ... explaining too that my sister could not be in attendance. She had recently had a op ... 

IN my topsy

world finally managing a bathe ... 

One is going to throw some items in the shopping trolley ready, with what was last done befor the tide in ills physical came along ... see what this night entails and get out before I feel sleepy again ... 

The basics required to keep life afloat in the past sink 

Thy cycles

that like this to stop .., the length of time in reorganisation that once I could never be bothered with again. The strength in the muster to get to the personal destination. The area of inspired. The serenity in country coastal life. The flying down the trail. The hub bub of table top sales, and the loss of much will still be there .. the teams we make or not in how we nest and share responsibilities... in life vocation volenteer or interests 

I now track on in thy difference .. alone with the mantel of both shared and lone times ... and again alone in abundance now ... but never not ... 

The Midnight Oil

in silent toil ... a little bit of this and a little bit of planning ... a bit of tidying ... a lot of rest ... it is hard at times to take the edge off .... and even when not in therapy ... you get  ... 'and how does it make you feel?'... 

Had I bluntly retorted with rudeness and sullenness ... it would still have been misinterpreted as grief anger yet again ... the biggest lug in those early days ... all completely misconstrued... The story of this death of a deceased hubby ... the not deceased baggage of ruins in mess and disorder and chaos most thought acceptable to continue to live in despite no room and a pool of rot ... 

Befuddled mind

determined to find a way through this mind boggling environment... 

even a cousin not seen in recent; can see how more relaxed I can be ... out the area within ...

The stark truth beyond the brutally honest ... failings on learning failings 

That encumbered environment of another left behind and case closed autonomously automatically on passing ... 

Keeping on top

of functions is the most difficult ... I have no garden to tend ...tick ... I have no car to maintain.  tick ...  the next is to think around simplify the catch up dilemma ... still haunting this home ...? 

Over

thy head in murky waters ... like the giant wasp sting or fluffy bumble bee of sitting in the vibrate of a car while being mechanically washed waxed and dried ... This can be how life feels in the inner being of myself ...