Time in mind strenuous

to a little light relief to not overload the mind capacity in rot. This while dealing with the necessary supporting evidence for the forms that need doing in due process. I was awaiting these. That which rucks up the past in itself ... A cousin has realms of my paperwork lurking in various family homes in the West. He moved himself back in the bosom of his family from living in the capital city. And put them there for safe keeping ... 

The ramifications filters out, only the inner core truly knows. They are the next line of support. His sister has opened up her home as an escape from reminders here and at Grandpas for my daughter to having some breathing space, before she finally had her own home this year. My own sister and her brother knew a bit more than most after the death that opened up my life style. They would obviously have never dreamt that for someone they knew otherwise ... 

I update periodically in small doses now to our cousin. The recovery self evident in my prolific creations elsewhere. And my sister now the only one who knows next to me currently. 

A daughter still knows what others do not. The next in the hierarchy of those who know that are living ...

And now the necessary paperwork is ready for when the next stage arrives... The wind down towards a time different ... with the very same family to reciprocate a tad for their relentless hurdles it brings in this time ... 

the airwaves

are blue and busy ... the influx all around of the pressure of getting things done before that C word. The adverts everywhere promising such great things .. the scams of selling ... The post increases not with just the personal festive greetings... unusually some post my for deceased hubby has slipped through... someone sold on an old list? The bank and other death paperwork dealt with all that. 

The diverse way I have experienced this time now ... It will be the first time since our daughter was born we will not be spending the Christmas together in the days usual. We will however be spending them together in the earlier part. All these plans up and down the country. Will your Mum be around for the PANTO? What dates is your Mum up? I'm planning a christmas meal for when she and my daughter are here ... 

You are invited to our Diamond wedding anniversary celebration and can stay with family overnight ....  a first in my birth county ... since the rough times ...

It seems my social and volunteer diary is busy everywhere ... Once again my wings are spreading ... across the counties ... 

Another yet rollercoaster in

where the emotions have travelled today ... I woke up in the dead of night quite angry ... then I realised it was the day I was to have a mid week special to remember how I came to be this way ... 

A day of forms, Emails,  phone calls unusual for me. The plans for a December different again ... and a good meal followed by the photos I recently pulled together. Those that my late hubby did not get to see, nor had I until this week  ... 

I will be taking my little gadget to cast these photos my daughter usually likes a good flick through on my device whilst respecting my privacy ... now I can cast only the ones of interest to others ... 

Another part of life replace in evolving to the minimum of fuss and bother 

The missing paragraph

from thy head about the super moon time. The next this size in 2034. Another not so big I think on December14th! The interest in attempt at many subjects we used to talk much about. I miss my highly interesting intelligent husband. My daughter noted with much pride to her partner who never met him ... that he was on par to a walking encloypedia. 

I did not have to touch type. I knew the weather, the news, robust discussions in taboo subjects and who was what in the sport world. The scores in life, who was playing and at what sport etc by season ... in a surround of a once outgoing bubbly persona. One who hosted in many a DJ capacity at discos and dos. And known over the airwaves in the way different with his call sign, in his youth that would be deemed old fashioned by some now ... 

... I really really miss that ... 

Triggers

churn ... tell it like it is... a sister knows I bubble away ... I talk or not...

The heaps of medical and meetings notes. I do not wish to cart them round. No one really is bothered ... it falls silent in silly remarks ... The pretence of knowing what it is like ... 

Thankfully I have turned it into an advantage, though I don't why some do what they do. The lack of help in commitment of times when the shit of life dumps right on top of you. And the wrong people in the wrong place at a ridiculous time. 

And whether it is fortuitous, fate or destiny how two new young souls have come together in shared but differences of when life sucks ... and get it turned around... With sheer grit! 

My attempt in stepping out the spiral of shit brings shit ... And success breeds success ... and more power in them power in money and fame that brings the glut of freebies to get photos for free advertisement of the product. 

Thy Ardous

pieces in time of change in chance. The picture of a resume and application with the required ID. All falling into place. The task alone ...

.... unfortunately nothing from an agency who didn't get that I needed to replace the destroyed or lost certificates ID etc to have a life beyond the walls ...

.... in those very early dark dank days when I grasped to life ... 

I cannot quite believe I have a folder filled with career related things for a few hours voluntary tasks in stepping out back in the right directional time in life ... out of such 'ism and not recognised mental health isolation! 

My deaceased hubby would

naturally detest for me to experience what I am getting though ... 

and more than ever it is nothing to do within the main of a living death... where you think such thoughts in that could it be an instant ... that release ... 

... we can seem to sometimes have a painful release ... 

You get morphine in release to a dignified death ... in palliative care ... 

The quiet in the euthanasia that some seek ... you get in the end of and after much suffering in painful days that no one actually says in the profession ...

With so much human suffering in all strands I have seen on such a level personally and as a colleague or acquaintance ...   

If you do it yourself it is deemed mortifying ... 

This invisible entity that penetrates your being. 

It hits you any time ...  

I am nearly sixteen seasons at Xmas 2016 since I struggled to live myself ... 

And continue to do so ...

In such a private space in thy mind

The assumptions that I am in a good place ...

.. That far away feeling ..

.. though I have still have and in prompt responses to menus requests and refuse/recycle bags being delivered when mine get pinched. The asks to be my referees. A forthcoming invitation to an interview for more skills and confidence time in build of a better attitude adapting.. This will be another surreal process in adjusting to civilisation that I quest in lot ... with how the madness out there is worse than ever !

Another process of much interest in the spirals of rot into life again ... 

While I adjust the home in difference, in this alter of bad into good happening with that one day out of the home, that always alludes and disintegrates not of my doing ...