Just drifting off

after the day in resurrection of activities in sight ... the nights still a wobbly with worry...  How the well in the good, stunning and beauty witnessed  this day past, in those displays of flowers in a local park ... 

Repetitively...

And that is not me on this occasion... this to fathom out in the interim... the mountain of paper to work through and catch up somehow 

The sleep in dreams

in the restlessness stage ... living out the thoughts in a jumble mess ... 

The bad mood

is hovering in the background now ... The task of quelling the dwell leaving a head a bit afar. The ease back into a life familiar strange, the attempt that a sister notices an immense change, so too my Mum though astute to my fragility still ... 

In the mode of

the aspect of life gone

This when if the inevitable happens ... I would have welcomed it 

These the moments that still pop up

Especially when you know the agony and strength to tell some one 

... And they do not respond ... 

You stay silent 

This the understanding of those in those moments hovering between reality and surreality ... those precious moments unless you have been there ... Is totally misunderstood 

As to why what wherefore 

There is even protocol and triage and overlooking in this too busy a life around 

the fragility ...

in time ... the attempt to disperse the burden of unnecessary ... virtually lost in space ... the strangers surround  

A time in environments

today

many and in all weathers, drizzle, sun. The hopes in the next phase of our life in our respective counties to be fortuitous for a change ...

the air in my lungs a reprieve ... and going back in a different way again ... 

The lanes may be narrow, the views were wondrous.

the fun in a time out on capturing moments in time. The hopes for the time to come. The wonder in again the achievements and feats, when at times I would rather curl up.

One Second Wonders

it is never an exact science ... Only when life is snuffed it is harder to focus on approach... time not in focus and out of sync ... 

I am currently sitting in a Cornish garden with life of noise and quiet around. It is surreal to be doing normal life in context of a juncture in time of a recovery programme. The concept of life in strange. The usual with unusual. 

The familiar in unfamiliar. The chunks of seasons missing with tech and robotic in the world out. My childlike wonder and giggles, regardless of whose is in the vicinity... at all that is light dark and new to me again to this day ... 

a day in reprieve

in a Kernow town ...

... yesterday enjoying Mum's garden. and sifting through time in task. The inspiration of the day before along lanes and coves, in all that I had only seen through our daughters eyes, in that encumbered time. 

... now I can once again see it all with my own senses, while I can ...

The struggle in fit

Only is it with encouraging words and music am I doing this. The times to curl up and let it take me  in the things never uttered to this day. Much said ... Much more unsaid 

The bind in time

at least I pulled myself in and took the plunge to travel to get this reprieve on my lungs ... The increase in movement and a mixture of activities is the most difficult ... All I would like to do is cutl up and hibernate in time... These conflicts with other thoughts of doing the energetic things my age still can do ... Even if it may just be line dancing or bowling ... to ease myself back in 

I have played some games I am used to. I have walked, rambled and been in the wilderness at times...maybe I will get to canoe one day  ... but first to fit back in sports and swim wear 

A lot happening in conjunction

and in tandem ...

... such is life ... I find it more than words can express at times ...Whilst life is getting into a structure...  The confidence and worries are another thing . Majority of people say it won't happen ...Unfortunately it does to some of us ... It did for me ...in the ultimate ...a death 

My worries are founded. 

Slow in time

and working through constructively 

I strive in my capacity to ignore the irritants to achieve for myself ... We journey in life alone ... So be it this particular one will end too ... whereabouts is yet to discover 

It Stinks

the slow process of reactive not proactive ... 

Buckets used to catch

the water ... in the waiting room ... at the local mental health office ... 

and our superstore leaks badly in our now monsoon rains ...

Today was market day for my tedious errands out ... the pharmacy not in coordination this day ... Hurray for our health system ... boo to the organisation and continuity which is only as good as the person with the knowledge to access computers ... 

The repetitive and patronising questions ... At least I had a lovely pharmacist and colleagues in a day of detestation... of post hubby death ...

Unfortunately no matter how much time and accepting passes the horror never dies ... 

Online now

Off line ... Elsewhere 

A  riotous moany and funny convo with sister would show our varying mood with a scatter of ashes a journey and a op ... and much more ... forthcoming ... 

Finding thyself

in such a time ... switching the mind into regular routines ... I go astray too often in this muddle a mess 

In the first of

these months this year,
I have clambered about
nearly knocked myself out
had many a doubt in doubts,
in what way to plan through,
After another busmans too,
more logistical tactics,
to work through these antics,
For a life in flourish from
drought time through the cactus
of times, left so high and dry.

The Invisible Ties ...

... I left the kitchen mid way mess to go out ...

from the days that are thankfully gone was very problematic ... I still feel I am not at peace while get it back on track ..

I had hoped this would ease a bit by now ... 

How Does It Make You

Feel

moments again today 

ruthlessness in breaking weird habits to othersm

Cynicism...

is more engrooved in my integrity ... that was ... where I used to have respect ... there is more a  element and from that perspective...much more doubt ... 

A pinch of salt ..

mixed spices and a lot of 

that Chilli room ...

chilli 

...all the recent reading on this type of care in the community and society ... 

A long way since bedlam 

.. And those very early times 

of my late husband 

to the still archaic environment in which were to experience death in this the 

21st Century in the UK 

a lot of chilli ...

The snow of frost froze over thee ...