the swinging of balls,

across and over

up and under 

high and low,

a slow flow,

a faster ebb,

never holding

always passing

hardly yielding

mostly shielding ... 

The switching off

the many modes to concentrate on task in hand ... The task of getting lost in time in thought. At least a little more settled now than in the week ... but still very much anxious about leaving enough time for the too many tasks here ... to go and do life in the now ... 

The tackling of a muddle, so overwhelming, it is more than a boggle ... The decision on getting someone in to get through three areas I find difficult ... 

My daughter trying to assist me in approaching this task ... The only person who has an inkling of the inner workings ... 

The Ardous Art of Altering ...

A life that became of another ...

In Hindsight

• Letters and paperwork not disposed of 
• Cars ...even though I sold mine ... This was never a incentive for his cars ... 
• Newspapers
• Freebies 
• Soft toys 
• Lotto into excess ... for a lot who are addictive was the worse news for me at end days  
• Kitchen paper notes
• Wallets bursting with unnecessary receipts 
• Carrier bags with cigarette packets written on and post and paraphernalia 
• Bulging trouser pockets of the bits of societies paper rubbishy yucky items 
• Bulging coat pockets ...
• In fact bags and pockets were a bane 
• Briefcase not cleared out 
• Carrier bags 
• Multiples of repeats in stationery ie freebie pens ... An irritant ... 

Previous Generation ...

• Newspapers 
• Part works weekly collections ... The intro offers on magazines 
• Multiples of items i.e. Birth certificate and replacements ... and the generation before that (this was found from collecting together from the other stuffed home) 
• Freebies
• Perfume 
• Typewriters 
• Clothes to excess ... 
• Whole cupboards of floor to ceiling spilling out  into the home of packets of tea .. Jars and catering size coffee.... Jars of Gravy granules...other food stuffs  ... PVc bags and aprons ... scissors ... brown sack bags ... carpet tiles ... soft toys ... Collection items memorabilia of pictures .... Toy Cars ... Beverage canisters ... Teaspoons ... Knives ... Tea towels ... Blankets ... Tee shirts ... All en masse ... 
• Stationery items in extreme in reams literally ....
• Unnecessary step ladders 
• Plant pots to extreme 

This is a touch of life with OCH ... Combine it with other life stresses ... and while the daily rituals at first of all basic functions are performed ... The slow decline in physical health from failed mental Heath care and misunderstanding of the set of phobias known by every professional (we know we heard our kin say on opening sentence ) ... then the series of downward events from then into being hounded because other failed medical understandings as lacking in response to complex needs  ... Into the fateful timeline along with the forgotten family ... 

I was squeezed out of my home under the eyes of those that came and put themselves first, at the same time the dying was well under way by then .... With my too declining skin health and lack of air sunlight social interaction was non existent etc etc etc 

Switching off

this is a timeless task totally ticking me off ... The mind in overdrive ... it feels it could burst ... I am stubborn. I will keep at it until I am satisfied. The adaptions in life are annoying. It could be done for a fellow human being. I am not bothered with the stuff. I am though annoyed with it more, it is hindering. It is a one man task in the shift, until the point I will get in reinforcements. I will be doing the next stage in due time of getting all that is necessary to do this bit ... With the suggestions of the wider family in my state of mind well being ... And what I have planned in getting the shifts of protocol moving for the way I was left with a fatal environment... 

Facing what actually will

Finally be missing 

when I have cleared all recesses of husband and strangers alike have put the disorder ....

from a time do not wish to revisit ...

but in my 'mares I do 

In my mind I see

those times I flee
the body here it stays
with those it plays
going through the motions
when the mind is flooded
in nigh solutions
Invisible in thy  notion

The rest ...

in restlessness 

is hard to comprehend... this is the trails of tragedy ... time shifts .. these special times that is in my personal timeline .. recoiling in the fact ... where did he go ...?   The unsaid in embodiment... 

You can put me in the middle of a whistling tornado; as in my many disturbed dreams ... the end result all around is in ruin and tatters ... 

The time and energy needed to rebuild ...,

Then water comes in and I have had many a paddle within the home ... The start again diverted and again with life events we all get .... The deaths, the injuries that put you aside from what is needed here and at my late mum in laws home ... 

And finally the start again and yet aside to other life again for a month, just this April, to get things sorted elsewhere again ... 

Then time away to be ... by the bedside of a sister for an op... life now ... 

I cannot still be in a invisible prison as encumbered in that time ...

Yet all this time is the adjustment... Only just acknowledged ...

And in the recent flourish of striking out the past .... 

what was I thinking ... ? 

The understanding of time passed

in time passed

The task for me not to be bogged down

I am taking time down to enjoy the events in all spectrums of happiness soon to be ...

This reminds me I am actually alive ...

And not some ghost of a Sally misting through the haze of mess still here

Wind it in

the grr mode today 

pfft moments too

how many times for one item ... here, there and everywhere and no one turns up that supposed to and then the opposite to that ... no wonder I act like my shoe size ... 

The inaccessible to some services 

Alarm bells did not ... Get listened

in our abode 

They were in thunderclap mode 

some improvements since 

On initial contact on arrival at the home environment 

In flagging up vulnerabilities on and coordination ...still a lot to do 

Especially of kin who are not triage on so much and left floating for nigh on four years .. 

Until finally a diagnosis 

In the meantime ... Still not taken seriously when your clumsy attempts at a reach

and misconstrued 

One uses it to one advantage 

The system not working 

You sink without notice into the slurry

Those who are too clever for their therapy 

Assumptions 

Chaos in the chaos ...

a weekend in the midst of a cloud of rubble of life and death 

Just as we sat eating fish and chips in the middle of a flood ... What is it like in the world of  clutter 

By weekends of a clutter riddance

one is bruised, battered and shattered ... within all aspects of the self ... 

This is the legacy of not continuing the care package set in place for the deceased spouse 

He may have died ... but his legacy about that squeezed me out of my home 

did not 

This year ... Light and Shade

... from within my heart and home too following on 

A long way to go ... for tonight at least looking at what I achieved this year ... looking forward not in the past ....  

The decisive from indecisive ... and those who doubt ... It is not a pipe dream 

It will happen I will bike and hike ... Swim and row ... and I will do eventually what I have in mind in wherever I eventually reside beyond the immediate and imminent ...

A Task in Tired ...

... Not understood ...

Talking is tiring 

No one listening ... More so ...

Task in time 

Shattering 

I hope to wind the week down after tomorrow and back on track 

for a  tidyish home for the weekend ... 

I hope to feel a tad more relaxed and settled 

All this stirs up what I naturally rather it did not ... 

... space in a Sally wonderland ...

... I resisted the urge of making more mess in getting to attempt reorganisation in this storage home ...

... For every time I am stuck ... there is not enough time and space to get it achieved in each day  ... 

... It .. I can only hope in my lifetime be restored in time to enjoy .. 

... All the while remebering life in the now ... 

... I only have to see the re-immersing in life I have achieved ... on coming back to life ... 

... The feeling of air on my skin... the breeze whipping up the storm that we nearly took off ...  at the top of Brea hill with a view in the surround of a favourite area in North Cornwall ... 

.. Overlooking the ocean and a church well known for a famous poet laureate who was laid to rest nestled in the sand dunes ... 

A variety in a weak ...

... a Four day inside for a bank holiday ... after time with daughter .. after a funeral ... before the storm  ... 

We started on a ruthless clear of habits and time in layers from a death within  ... 

She went on down to stay in Bristol. Spending time with a family of five, plus our Canadian cousins who are over to see Grandad who now resides here after living in various countries over the years ... One of the other younger cousins back from her travels and working in New Zealand ..

In admist the clearing, the binning and the charity shops ... The daily rituals and living ... No time for a social life yet ... 

I did take time out for a bus ride to the next parish and walked back through lanes and the park ... I stopped for some time in both Hextable and Swanley Park, while in the park I had a sandwich and an ice cream ... 

I think I did a blog ... And observed and took the requisite photos of what I had not seen while stuck inside ... The vibrancy of the new greens in Spring ... And the sky ... The vitality in the blues and whites ... 

Living the so called theories ...

... a few people I know and of were too clever for their therapy people ... 

The reaching out, the withdrawal, the cumbersome gestures, the patronising, the loss of thought and again as I am writing this ... 

The dissing ... the pattern and illogical behaviour which seems very logical when living it ... 

How to avoid going out ... where you require to put the refuse out ... the thought of others in to maintain things ... Not dealing with the environment in the first instance ... Keeping on top of life ... Food and wash and laundry requirements 

This brutally honest time so failed by that front line and continued care 

This the end result of a life within a fellow hoarder environment... The arguments about petty things to others ... For me the perpetual battle with for one of many things ... Newspapers ... 

It is so much more complex than minds at the time were able to robustly deal with .... 

It was a daily ritual of hubby not seeing the environment within but still putting out the refuse and recycle out ... 

That little world, away from the world, within a world 

Is Anybody There?

Is anybody there? 

A dilemma faced one Autumn into Winter

The time I faced death at its ugliest ...